Don't Believe in Modern Love
by peut-etre-poulet
Summary: spoilers: Audition - St.Fabray; after giving Beth up for adoption Quinn finds returning to her old life isn't as easy as she had hoped.


**Title::..**Don't Believe in Modern Love  
**Spoilers::..**Audition  
**Rating::..**M for sexual theme  
**Genre::..**Angst  
**Characters::..**Quinn and Jesse  
**Pairing::..**St. Fabray  
**Author's Note::..**More Quinn angst, lol, just a bit more. I had another try at writing St. Fabray, I wrote Jesse very philosophical, but broken so this fits in with broken-heart!Quinn. I wrote this before seeing _Audition_, but it was after the promo shots for season 2 had been released, thus Quinn is a Cheerio again, if it were up to me she wouldn't be, but unfortunately I'm not a writer on the show…only in my dreams. I wanted to capture what her state of mind would be after giving away her daughter and needing to adjust to her old life.  
The title is a lyric from the song Modern Song by the spectacular David Bowie, this was the first Bowie song I really heard and it got me hooked; now I'm in deep and irrational love with his work. It's an awesome song (don't let any cover versions trick you, Bowie is the one to listen to). Perhaps you can imagine Quinn and Jesse singing it together as a duet…I wish the writers had gotten them to sing a duet together when Jesse was in the show, how would their voices have sounded together?  
**Summary::..**_I'm still standing in the wind, but I never wave bye-bye_, after giving Beth up for adoption Quinn finds returning to her old life isn't as easy as she had hoped.

* * *

It was a wasteland. Flat. Nothing grew there any longer.

For nine months Quinn's life had stopped while she had served as an incubator for her daughter. Her body had been through a teenager's definition of hell – stretched beyond recognition and drained of energy while her moods had resembled a turbulent roller-coaster ride. She had grown used to having Beth as a part of her. She had even enjoyed wrapping her arms around the bump as Beth had moved about.

Looking in the mirror a month after the birth Quinn saw the maternal features stripped away from her figure. Beth was gone from her life. She could fit into her Cheerio uniform without a hint of struggle. Putting it on she would disappear into the crowd, the status quo. Beth was forgotten. Mercedes had asked Quinn if she were okay. Quinn always lied, saying she was fine. Lying was easier than trying to articulate feelings she knew none of her peers could understand. Fitting in as she always had as a Cheerio was simpler than facing the loneliness she felt may swallow her whole.

She turned her back on the mirror. She pulled her hair into the tight pony-tail Coach Sylvester demanded and collected her book-bag for another day spent at school, trying to keep her mind on performance routines.

* * *

Mercedes and Kurt were good friends to Quinn. They distracted her with their witty banter. She could laugh with them.

Today she found herself not wanting to join in with them. She wandered away from them at the music store. Her spirits were low. Too low to be lifted by their cute handshakes and quick quips it seemed. The situation was swirling around in her mind, repeating images which did nothing to improve her mood. She was looking through a shelf of CDs, but she didn't acknowledge any of the titles. Instead she was thinking about the hole she was certain had been torn into her heart.

She glanced up and found herself caught in the stare of Jesse St. James. She supposed she shouldn't be surprised; they were (technically) on his territory. But she was still struck by the intensity of his eyes. He was focused purely on her. She found it difficult to look away. She thought she might be trapped.

She was pulled away by Mercedes and Kurt, who decided they needed to go to a different store. She glanced over her shoulder, checking on Jesse. There was something in his eyes. A look which had become very familiar to her over the past month, she had seen it in her own reflection.

* * *

There was silence in the house. Judy had gone out for the afternoon. Quinn didn't care if her mom was in the house or if she wasn't – it made no difference. At least while Judy was out Quinn didn't have to waste energy on pretending to be happy.

She was laid out on her bed. She thought she might not bother to get up. She was comfortable and she couldn't think of any reason worthy for her to leave the safety of her room. She listened only to the sound of the thoughts moving around in her mind. The images were placed on a carousel and someone had put in too many quarters, keeping it from stopping.

An interruption came in the form of the doorbell chiming. It didn't prompt her to get up, not immediately. She thought if she ignored it the ringer would leave her alone. There was a large gap between the first and second ring. She closed her eyes, hoping the second ring wouldn't come.

She became absorbed in the silence. She listened to her breath moving in-and-out of her lungs. The second ring came. She pulled herself up off the bed. She didn't move quickly, she thought if she walked slowly enough the visitor would give up. But when she made it onto the bottom floor the doorbell rang a third time.

Upon opening the door she discovered someone she had never imagined to find at her front door. She was taken aback. Nothing came to mind for her to say. Jesse St. James, standing, waiting for her. She didn't say anything at first. He was silent as well. They simply sized each other up.

"How did you know I lived here?" She inquired, almost demanded in her worry.

"The internet." He replied with the cocky grin returning to his face. "There isn't much effort to be put into stalking anymore."

She furrowed her brow, keeping her defenses up. "So you're stalking me?"

"I'll let you decide that for yourself." He said, stepping past her into the house. "I saw you in the record shop and there was something in you crying out to be expressed. I'd seen the look before when we were in New Directions together. This time there was nothing to stop me from talking to you."

"You want to talk to me?" She asked.

"Yes."

"What about?" She questioned.

"We have a lot in common, you and I, we may not be as different as you think." He explained.

She scoffed. "What could you possibly have in common with me?"

"How about the compulsion to be perfect? The greed to win. The ruthless paths you take to get what you want." He elaborated. "Or, that deep sinking feeling that keeps you awake at night, that emptiness that tells you no matter how hard you struggle it will never be enough."

"You can tell all of that by a look?" She challenged.

He was taking slow steps toward her and she could not move her eyes away from his. "We're the same Quinn."

"We've barely shared any words but you seem to know me better than everyone else in my life." She had to look away now, not enjoying being vulnerable in front of another.

He was suddenly in front of her. He put his hand to the bottom of her chin, tilting her face up gently so she was forced to meet his eyes again. "Do you agree with the misery loves company cliché?"

"I was planning on spending the day wallowing." She stated.

He linked his arms around her waist. She pressed her front up against him. They stared at each other for what seemed like an age. She looked deeply into his eyes; the smirk was gone from his face now. She felt locked in this moment with him, very intimately connected.

Gradually he moved his face closer to hers and their lips met. It didn't take long for intensity to build. Soon they were moving with incredible speed. She clung to him, feeling dizzy as passion quickly shot through her body.

The rest of the world stopped being a thing of importance. She didn't think of how she was betraying Puck. She didn't consider how this would ruin any chance she had of rekindling a relationship with Finn. She simply enjoyed the way Jesse held her so tight. He knew what she needed. She felt she could be released from her inhibitions so she was vulnerable. She was now fluid with her pain.

* * *

Quinn didn't care much for details when she was vulnerable. Just as she hadn't spared a thought about her parents moving about downstairs when Puck had taken her virginity, now she didn't worry over how Jesse thought no romance was required. It didn't really matter to her that he was taking her in the back of his car like a cheap hooker. The location made no difference to her.

All Quinn cared about was that Jesse was with her, fulfilling her. They felt the same way. They were connecting in a way she could never find with Puck. Jesse could see who she really was. She knew what she needed. This was the indulgence of company she had been craving. She loved the feel of his flesh against her smooth skin.

The loneliness felt like a manageable feat at the moment. She didn't feel like she was drowning. Instead she felt alive as his hands explored her body. She wasn't a mother longing after her child. In this moment she was so much more. The pleasure rolled over her in increasing waves, a distraction from all that had plagued her thoughts this morning.

Jesse called the pair of them 'victims of circumstance'. Their actions were not of their own minds; rather they worked from the expectations of others. This, humping on the back seat of his expensive car, was their brief fling with freedom – making their own decisions. But once it was over things would go back to normal.

Everything always went back to normal. Something bad happened and it was forced under the rug, out of sight, where no one could see it so they could go on making the best of every situation. Even if the best was really crappy there was nothing Quinn could do to change it. She surrendered herself to the moment, trying to convincing herself she didn't care.

**The End.**


End file.
